Ratchet Resolutions...

Happy New Year, Boo! I see you made it through to another year. You must not have been one of those chicks hanging in the hood with them dudes and their "celebratory gunfire!" Ratchet!

Me? I was hanging in a safe spot with family and friends, eating, drinking and being merry. Somebody asked me right after the New Year came in what was my New Year's resolution. Now they know I don't do that. All it is, is a bunch of lies about what you plan to do knowing you ain't gonna do it. But then I started thinking...maybe I will!

While everybody lying talking 'bout losing weight, saving money, going to church faithfully and saving themselves for the right man, I created a list of things I know I'm doing chile!

Here's my list:

1. ) Close Johnson Savings & Loan - What I look like to you? A bank? It ain't happening, boo. I ain't loaning no more ratchet folks money, knowing they can't pay it back. If you could afford to pay me back, you wouldn't be asking me for it in the first place. So stop with the sob story 'bout your hungry baby ain't got no milk, or you can't pay your rent! Baby, please, you get food stamps and WIC. And if you can't pay yo' rent, you need to find a place you can afford. You won't be getting any money out of Tyrone this year!

2.) Shut down Lovely Singles - What I look like? Match.com or Black People Meet? Baby, get yo' own man or woman. I ain't hooking nobody else up again. If she or he ain't feeling you, I can't help you, boo. The last couple I tried to hook up was Angel and Alex...and you know we still feeling the after shocks of that thang! If you don't know, check out BeJeweled: The Flight of an Angel.  I'm done with all that. I'm not here to hook you up. I'm here to make sure you be divatastic!

3.) Put up Merle's Magic Stick - Get your mind out the gutter, girlfriend! It's not what you think. Baby, don't be walking up in the shop, sitting in my chair, asking me to grow out your two inches of hair and think I'm not gonna add weave. If you want yo' hair to grow that's all I got for you, baby. And if that ain't good enough, then you gotta work with a diva, cuz it's gonna take love and patience to get your hair where you want it to be. So, don't expect me to work miracles. I ain't God.

4.) Be Honest - I'm done lying! I ain't lying. I will not be telling y'all that I'm not gossiping anymore, cuz I know I am. Soon as you get up out my chair and your tail hit the front door, I'm talking 'bout you. I'm telling all yo' business you shared with me, 'bout your baby daddy drama, your scandalous mama, and your daddy's po' trauma! I'ma tell it all. And I'm not making no apologies. When you leave, me and B.A.D. gonna talk about you. You shouldna told me. And don't think I'm scared, boo. If you confront me, I'll tell you I said it...ain't no shame in my game. Honey, I just might talk about you before you hit the door!

5. ) Promise to be Fierce as Ever - Yep, this year, Chelle renewed my contract to keep on blogging on Tuesdays. So, I'm gonna tell it like I see it whether you like it or not. I'm keeping it real every Tuesday and I'm sharing everybody's gossip, and I'm gonna promote my sistah, Chelle and you need to do the same. I'm gonna be just as bold, just as outspoken, just as fierce, and just as divalicious as ever!

Now! That's my New Year's Resolutions for 2016! Think it's ratchet? I really don't care! Just join this blog, boo. Click the "follow," "subscribe," or "email" link in the upper right corner to follow.

Oh, and don't forget to share your comments in the comment section. We want to hear from you. Mm-hmm. (Sucks teeth and rolls eyes!)

Anyhoo, I gots to go clock these dollars, so I'll see you next week.

Ta Ta For Now!
Tyrone